Under the Pale Skin - A Series

Here lies my online journal, but you don't see everything that's written. When I really feel the feels, I save the post as a draft. I've been really into my love story lately (the one with Stephen, of course) and looking at pictures/letters/posts/etc. Then I found this one tucked away in the interwebs. The year of Stephen and I was a doozy for me, and I want it all to be documented properly. 
*Written Summer 2015

Oh moses,
how I've been away from such reflection.

I think 2015 has been the hardest yet.
January swept me off my toes. I started out this year as a naive and probably desperate 21-year-old with big dreams of marrying my library crush.
Then my greek god of a best friend came around and left my stomach turning like old chicken salad.

In my independent youth, I had this beautiful checklist for my future boyfriend.
And he's more.

I knew it from the look at Qualtrics and when he drove me to see the arrow lights.
& how my magical city stole his heart, just like mine.

He calls me his "moon" and I call him "schmeagle"

Caring about someone else to the "relationship" degree actually hurts sometimes. During the past few months, I've seen more flaws come out of me than swear words at a southern bbq. Like, I still don't have a filter and hurting people's feelings got easier. I'm usually good with change, but then you accidentally dress depression like a toaster strudel and shove it down your best friend's throat.

personality side-effect: although people-pleasing sounds guilt-free, you will see signs where you treat minor by-standers better than you treat the people who actually know your middle name.

I think I'm an extremely unintentional bridezilla, and that's who sponsored this post.

Golden 8/25

Golden birthday - I've been waiting for this day since I slipped out of the womb. I'm 25: the golden egg, the shiniest of all the coins.

This blog has WAY more information about me than even I need to know. However, I have been compiling a list over the last YEAR to find EVERY nook and cranny (yanny?) of my pale self.

1. Fears include swallowing Nyquil and accidentally swearing

2. One of my talents is recognizing when people get haircuts

3. I get extremely sweaty at doctor offices

4. I don't like watching movies/t.v shows that have too much conflict or action in them

5. I don't like jelly beans or cream cheese frosting

6. When I eat something hard, I check my teeth in a mirror to see if they're still there

7. I blow off the crusties at the top of milk cartons before I pour

8.25  If you want to torture me, then try putting eye drops in my eye

9. I'm naive and have said some things, a list:

- I've only sworn once in my life, and it was the big one (starts with the letter after "E"). I was fooled once when I was eight and said it out loud. I cried for days and swore I'd never swear again

-  I was going to my freezer to get some chicken nuggets. I tried to find a fun name for them, so I called them nuggers. uhhhhh a little too close. My sister stopped me from ever nicknaming meats.

- I was at a Halloween corn maze with friends. I ran into this guy I knew, and he was wearing this Pirates of the Caribbean costume that he'd spent weeks making. It looked like the real deal - with mechanical elements and all. His character was that Davy Jones octopus-looking guy.  Well, I just couldn't get over how well his "testicles" looked. TENTACLES Carly, c'mon.

10. In my lifetime of hypochondria, I've had paralysis, smallpox, and 1-2 plagues

11. I've never flirted in my whole life - Stephen and I married through divine intervention

12. Bunions make me uncomfortable - I've had some encounters where I did not respond well

13. I CRY AT TENDER THINGS (examples below)

- When cars slow down at school zones or for emergency vehicles
- Any old man
- All dogs
- All dog movies
- Anything small

14. I get a lot of compliments when I wear pigtails

15. I joke about being self-conscious about my nostrils, but I'm not that insecure about them. Give me a baby doll's fist and some grapes, and we'll see if we can get them stuck in there.

16. The second toenail on both feet has never grown

17. My mood is represented by my phone cover. I've never had a personal photo as my phone cover. I will never have a personal photo as my phone cover, sorry babies.

18. I buy more art than clothes

19. I hiccup once loudly every day

20. I sit on one leg when I sit down on chairs

21. I'm a fast pee-er because I squat and don't waste my time with those dumb liners

22.  I've never been to the dentist without my mom

23. Stephen first saw me cry on a triple date (we didn't go together) at a hockey game - because the five-year-old hockey kids came out during halftime and the goalie was so small

24. I feel happier when the weather is cloudy/grey. Without knowing the weather, I'll wake up that day and feel happier.

25. When I was younger, I read an article in The Friend about a girl named Melanie who said a very intense nightly prayer. She didn't open her eyes after the prayer ended because she wanted to stay in the moment with Heavenly Father. Since, I have been scared to NOT open my eyes after, because I don't want Heavenly Father to hear my before-bed-weird-thoughts. Even on my most tired nights where going from my knees to the pillow looks so easy, I still open my eyes really wide just once so we all know we're out of the prayer.

We all know too much now, great. 25 is the end of my young adults, I know this because I took a survey yesterday and had to say my age was in the "25-34" bracket.

GOODBYE YOUTH, I can't see you getting farther away because my vision is blurry.

Dear Future Me

Future Me,

I bless you find this message before the internet pervs do. I am here at the beginning of 2018. I don't think I grew that much in the past year, except I like asparagus now. I have many goals for the new year that I promise to keep. 

I have entirely stopped wearing bras, mainly to see if they'll naturally bounce themselves into a full B cup. The past 2 years I have slept with a stuffed pig every night; I hope you are stroking our pig's crusty head as I speak. I dream of Iceland, cloudy skies, and getting avocados at 90% off for the rest of my life. 

I have recently been worried about my smile lines. Frowning is my favorite pastime in hopes to permanently remove any previous happiness. Of course, I'm kidding (but my face remained stoic during the joke). 

I'll keep you updated with new wordplay and unnecessary description. And you'll continue reading in your expensive, well-fitted bra, always wondering why your pee smells. 

Love, Me

What Happens in Vegas

- We moved to the land of Bachelorette parties in June. We'll be here for three years to finish school but will most likely stay after. It's been hard visualizing Vegas as my home. I think it's hard to create a new home anywhere, but especially in a place with so many prostitutes. 

- There are these ratchet black birds that look like their tails went through a shredder; one literally attacked Stephen's head at the park. We hate them.

- You can speed and run red lights here, as long as you do it safely. Cops cover real crime and hourly accidents.

- We live with C's (cockroaches). C's are harmless, even though they're ugly. They sprayed and the c's are slowly dying. C's are gross, but I don't have to threaten burning down our complex when I see one. C's are hungry and thirsty like people, little bug people. I am ok with c's in my home. (I have to tell myself this every day).

- City lights are my jam. Vegas is ugly during the day, but then the sun goes down and the neon lights shimmer the night away. It's easy to find the bad when it's shoved in your face. I feel the most perspective when I drive and see the lights from far away. Added bonus: you can't see as many homeless people in the dark. 

- I've cried more this summer than if I would have dated the whole football team in high school--for reasons that won't matter in the time it takes for me to explain here. But a few weeks ago, I just stopped crying. I started putting a spoonful of faith in my morning chocolate milk and dealt with life as it came.

- I've had a lot of free time this summer and the scorching heat makes it hard to breathe outside. So, I went through spurts of temple going, embroidering, painting, puzzling, organizing, and I've cooked two meals in completion without Stephen's help. I spend a lot of time at grocery stores trying to beat the system and find the most sale items. I've consumed a lot of doughnuts. Sometimes I put a bra on. 

- Basically, we like it here. Stephen loves school and I try to keep my brain active with multiplication tables. We're figuring it out because it's ours. 

Post Winter Tales

(I found this draft from February and will share because my content here is low)

Just like how you need one sunburn to confirm that you've experienced summer, you also need one sniffle to confirm that you've experienced winter.

My nose runs all day, until the moment I put my head on a pillow. Then, my large nostrils quit the one thing they do best: breathe. I feel stuck, similar to the last raisin in a Sun-Maid box. 

(And that's all I wrote)

aghhhh

This is NOT a letter to the reader.
This is a letter to YOU.

These past few months, you've felt defeated. Trust me, I know. I can feel it in your boredom, in your extended part-time paid internship, and in the way you over-describe or justify your current--what you call "quarter-midlife crisis." You use time as an excuse. You let what others post on social media control your emotional stability.

and girl, I'm sick of it.

Hey, it's 2017 and you're not going to take your shirt off and rally for women's rights, BUT AS SURE AS HECK YOU CAN FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE POWER OVER YOURSELF. Like c'mon, you let the smallest things trigger the smallest parts of your brain. Isn't there something bigger inside of you that can take on something the size of a jelly bean. I'm sick of wiping away tears when I feel anxious and scared.

So, yesterday (yes, just yesterday), I finally decided to change.
Not my fears,
but how I control my fears.

I came up with this starter kit:

Positive thinking
Better scripture reading
Working harder at the gym
Taking smaller steps
& a LARGE AMOUNT OF PRAYER

Sorry for all the F-words, but I FREAKING WANT TO PUNCH A WALL with all the power I feel inside me. Positive thinking, Carly, THAT'S LITERALLY ALL YOU NEED.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop feeling like you're stuck in an imaginary gopher hole, and STOP THINKING YOU'RE LESS THAN WHAT YOU ACTUALLY ARE.

There 2017, I've finally got this.

New Things, New Things

I'm declaring the year of the seven as my year.
2016 was a time for learning and strength,
but I always felt it was a heavy waiting period.
You never remember sitting in the terminal waiting for your flight
You remember the flight. The take-off, the stomach turns, the landing--oh, and the peanuts

2016 gave me mountains, that turned out to be hills
and oceans, that were actually streams.
It was a year where I felt like I moved marathons, 
but only moved steps.

A year that I should of accomplished the world,
but instead, stood still.

2017, you can't make me stronger
or fight my fears.
You can't even change someone who refuses to change herself.

But, 
You're going to tell me that I can.
Actually, even better, you're going to push me until I can.
You'll leap off the bleachers, run into the field, and point to the goal where I need to kick.

You'll give me a year of road maps and blueprints,
new beginnings and new endings.

2017, a friendly face that I've been eager to meet. 

hohoho

Here's proof that we believe in Christmas. Also, I could easily lose my paper copy in a house fire.